Can I be honest? I don’t really care how you are.

I am all about being polite, I mean, I wasn’t raised by wild animals, but can we all admit that there is a social understanding associated with the question “How are you?”  We say it to co-workers, we say it to strangers, and when you really think about it we say it more times a day then we realize.  I am confident that a majority of the population knows the standard response to said statement “Good”, “Fine”, “I’m ok”…All quick, acceptable answers.   This blissful interaction is what makes the world go round. 

I was at work the other day and came face to face with one of the members of the small percentage of the population however that do not understand the underlying truth behind this statement.  This is the type of person who actually answers the question truthfully.  You know you have found one of these rare members of society when their answer starts something like, “Well (sigh), to be honest (deep breath)…”  Fill in the blank with a positive/negative, issue, complaint, etc.  Bottom line is: WE DON’T REALLY CARE HOW YOU ACTUALLY ARE.  I have literally been mid-stride through the office cube farm throwing out my usual friendly “Hey Jane, How are you?” I am like a rapper making it rain in the club when it comes to smiles and niceties!  This is business as usual until you are stopped in your tracks because SOMEONE failed to follow protocol.   Now you have to turn around and entertain the conversation you never intended to start.  This is torture.  You had no concern behind your initial question and you probably did not have time to fit in a full blown conversation.  These are conversations that take place over the phone or in expensive over-priced coffee shops with people you like, not on your way into the elevator.  Most of the time we fake-like half our coworkers, tolerate the other half and maybe, just maybe, if we are lucky we find 1 or 2 people we work with that we would be generally concerned with how they feel, but those 2 would never tell you in passing because they are in tune with what that question means!!

So the next time this happens, stay calm, nod your head in fake concern and think about happy hour.  But most importantly, remember to NEVER ask that person how they are again.

HEY BIG SPENDER!!!!

I am really turning over new leafs, I started a diet plan and one of these days I am going to join that new fabulous gym and start swimming.  Baby steps.  So as you already know I am living in a gorgeous home (my personal opinion) with the love of life, living the social dream of dining, chatting, happy houring with my best girls, my sister and her hubby, great couples and even a few rando family members thrown in there here and there.  Loving the life I live!!  Well this life is a lot more expensive than I thought it was.  I am by no means a frivolous spender, most of my stylish wardrobe stems from vintage Nordstrom rack (yes last season can be vintage if I want it to) and Couture Target…they have real designers now and sometimes I believe I got the very last and only sweater dress that was ever made, lay off me.  The point is, I clip coupons for groceries and I don’t spend money that I don’t have…until a HH or restaurant date comes along, then I go on what appears to be a food and beverage spending spree. I.HAD.NO.IDEA. I have gotten out of control!!

And I wonder why I am 30lbs overweight.

How did I come to this analysis? This epiphany?  This shocking truth?  Well, I am obsessed with balancing my checkbook so I honestly thought that I knew where all my money was going down to the very last penny.  A gal pal at work noticed and wanted to know why I wasn’t using any financial tools to help me.  I know, for many of you what I just said took us on a one way train to Nerdville, but it is actually in line with what I do at the job I hate so hear me out, I promise you will love this.  The site is http://www.mint.com/ and let me tell you after I had the initial anxiety induced panic attack I came to realize I am going to love this AND it is going to help me lose weight.  It’s like Momma just doubled-down in a game of Texas Hold’em!  Mint.com takes all your finances (banks, credit cards, loans, mortgage, etc.) and puts it into one very pretty system and then categorizes your spending.  It is 100% secure! Trust me, I would not share my information if I had not done the foot work to know that it is secured!  It is sponsored by big companies like AMEX/Discover/Cap One because they all offer services that can help dig you out of debt, consolidate or finance…but you don’t need to buy those services to use the website.  Ok nerd glasses off, back to why I love it.  So I import my bank, my car, my credit card.  Step 1 complete.  I review the Transactions log and make sure everything is categorized correctly.  Step 2 complete.  I go to review the stats from last month for trending and BOOM!  Fell out of my G.D. chair!  I spent $767 on Food and Beverage last month.  WTF!  WTF!  Seriously??  I mean I know it was the last month of summer and I was out of town like every weekend but SERIOUSLY?!?!?!  I AM A GORDO!  That is disgusting!  How did this happen?  Well I will break it down for you and you will see how easy it is to rack ‘em stack ‘em…$322 Restaurants, $122 Bars, $242 Groceries, $36 Fast Food, $34 Coffee and bringing up the rear $8.69 in “Other”.  Don’t ask, because I don’t know and literally my eyes are popping at the big numbers so I could care less about a measly $8.69.  So I set up budgets and threw in a few goals.  No more playing games, I am going to limit myself in each category to reasonable limits AND I am going to enable the text message alerts to tell me when I have almost reached my budget in said categories.

This sounds fantastic right?  It is, except for one little tinsy, winsy issue for September.  According to my new rules and budget limits I only have $20 left to spend at the grocery and $8 left to spend at restaurants!  I am going to starve and possible die of boredom on the weekends for the rest of the month!!  What is a Chunky Socialite to do?!?  $28 for 15 more days?  I can do it.  I know I can.  I can do this.

Fabulous body and plentiful bank account, YESSIR!!!…Look out folks, cause there is a new Sherriff in town.

Come on Internet...don't fail me now!

Have you ever felt that you have gone where no one has ever gone before??? One would think that it is near impossible to find the end of the Internet, but I think that I may have done it.  I attend a number of meetings in my big girl life...meetings to plan meetings, meetings to discuss the meetings we planned and conference calls to follow up on these meetings.  It is a fascinating waste of time but nonetheless allows for ample time to browse the Internet in an attempt to look busy and not fall asleep from sheer boredom.  The curse that comes with this freedom to explore is that you eventually find that you have nothing more to search for.  I know.  I said it.  The end of the Internet.

Wikipedia?  Been there.  Facebook?  500 photo albums down and already looked at 25 of my friend's friends whom I do not even know but since they have not figured out their privacy settings...well you know the rest.  WebMD?  NO THANK YOU.  Unless I have the next 10 hours free to sit in the emergency room, I must stay clear of WebMD.  How is it that a simple selection of the symptoms of the every day head cold could also mean that your arm is about to fall off and you may have only hours to live?  Let's be clear here, I know it's not saying for sure that is what the diagnosis is...its just an option, but it could be true.  Just an option people.  Don't freak out.  You either have a common cold or the plague.  I literally had a head cold for almost 2 weeks and started to have what felt like either horrible indigestion...or a heart attack.  After some detailed WebMD research I determined it was indeed a heart attack (and the longest heart attack in history most likely since I believed I was having it for about 2 days and counting).  So I did what any normal heart attack victim would do...I went out to dinner with my main man.  I needed to have one last feast before I well...you know the prognosis.  So we are dining and I am explaining that I may not make it through the night and telling him that I wish we hadn't paid in advance for the group beach trip we are leaving on the next day, when Boyfriend tries to rationalize with me.  He eventually gives up and offers to take me to the hospital but I decline...I must rest in my own bed for my last night.  Well, this may come as a surprise but the next day, I woke up and headed to the Dr. only to find out that my cure was none other than Prilosec OTC.  No heart attack, false alarm.  I had heart burn from the post nasal drip.  Sick, I know but at least my ticker was in excellent shape. 

I guess I will retire my Internet medical license and leave it up to the professionals.