Can I be honest? I don’t really care how you are.

I am all about being polite, I mean, I wasn’t raised by wild animals, but can we all admit that there is a social understanding associated with the question “How are you?”  We say it to co-workers, we say it to strangers, and when you really think about it we say it more times a day then we realize.  I am confident that a majority of the population knows the standard response to said statement “Good”, “Fine”, “I’m ok”…All quick, acceptable answers.   This blissful interaction is what makes the world go round. 

I was at work the other day and came face to face with one of the members of the small percentage of the population however that do not understand the underlying truth behind this statement.  This is the type of person who actually answers the question truthfully.  You know you have found one of these rare members of society when their answer starts something like, “Well (sigh), to be honest (deep breath)…”  Fill in the blank with a positive/negative, issue, complaint, etc.  Bottom line is: WE DON’T REALLY CARE HOW YOU ACTUALLY ARE.  I have literally been mid-stride through the office cube farm throwing out my usual friendly “Hey Jane, How are you?” I am like a rapper making it rain in the club when it comes to smiles and niceties!  This is business as usual until you are stopped in your tracks because SOMEONE failed to follow protocol.   Now you have to turn around and entertain the conversation you never intended to start.  This is torture.  You had no concern behind your initial question and you probably did not have time to fit in a full blown conversation.  These are conversations that take place over the phone or in expensive over-priced coffee shops with people you like, not on your way into the elevator.  Most of the time we fake-like half our coworkers, tolerate the other half and maybe, just maybe, if we are lucky we find 1 or 2 people we work with that we would be generally concerned with how they feel, but those 2 would never tell you in passing because they are in tune with what that question means!!

So the next time this happens, stay calm, nod your head in fake concern and think about happy hour.  But most importantly, remember to NEVER ask that person how they are again.

Countdown to Nowhere

I am about to boldly go where no one has gone before.  I am about to get real like Oprah.  I would like to tell the teacher community that they better shut their pie holes and quit complaining about how many days of school they have left to teach before the next summer vacation!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?  This is one of a handful of normal professions (I say "normal" because celebrities, professional sports players, homeless people and politicians do not count) that has what we in corporate America call an entire QUARTER off, almost 3 months.  Let’s do the math together Teach, a quarter is 3 months and there are 4 quarters in a year so by my calculations that means that teachers only do ¾ the work that normal professions do.  Hmmmm.  I do not want to be rude because yes, I KNOW, they are teaching the future of America but someone has got to seriously tell them to SHUT UP.  School has only been in session for less than 2 full weeks and they are already complaining? 

Let’s recap, they have been working full-time for 9 days and they feel the need to count down the dreadful days until their next massive 3 month vacation.  “175 more school days, Ugh”  NO!  You do not get to Ugh that.  Give me a “Another 60 hr work week and no vacation time accrued” and I will let you Ugh.  At most corporations individuals request for a week off at a time max…that’s 5 days in a row.  Look at my math skills at work again.  Most supervisors react to this type of request with that ever loving “Are you serious?” stare followed up with, “I guess you can work late before and after your vacation to make up the work since your sister HAS to get married in Green Bay, WI”.  I have a proposition for those teachers.  You know the famous take your child to work day?  Let’s take those teachers to corporate world for a day and see if after 8-10 grinding hours in a cubicle they still want to continue their precious countdown.

Guess what I am going to countdown?  The number of days until you teachers and students go back on vacation and stop ruining my commute!  Two can play at this game.

Ready? NO! Set? NO! FLUSH!!

I am all about convenience…who isn’t these days? I enjoy a lovely drive-thru Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts or any Fast Food joint for that matter, Online shopping, Drive-thru Pharmacy, Dry-cleaning delivery, and even Take-Out Taxi! You essentially never have to get off your ass unless you need to use the restroom. Glorious. And the News tried to worry me about sky-rocketing childhood obesity. Why in the world would they think that? So while all these things make our lives lazier, I mean easier, I have a bone to pick with one invention that will never get my seal of approval.

I have a great hatred and admitted fear of automatic flushing toilets. Was there a huge issue with people not remembering to flush the toilet? I mean, doesn’t everyone these days have a toilet in their house that they flush after use? Just checking. My battle with the auto-toilet occurs on a daily basis. Auto soap dispenser? Genius. Auto faucet? Absolutely!! I mean, how would I turn on the faucet if I had soap on my hands? Auto Paper Towel dispenser? They have thought if it all…keep my hands as sanitary as possible post-wash. All of these things make my bathroom experience so much more enjoyable. Bravo Inventers!! Job well done. Here poses my dilemma…logically in a family of automated machines it only makes sense that you add the big boy auto-flusher to the pack. I understand people, but someone dropped the engineering ball when they invented the auto-flush. It was probably invented by the guy who hated his job and went out drinking every night only to find out one hung-over morning that he had to present his auto-flusher to the board! He clearly wasn’t ready so he threw it together and didn’t have time for the testing phase! I get it buddy and I feel your pain, but you skipped some crucial steps and could take a few pointers from your faucet, towel and soap buddies. Here we are dancing in front of the sensor to get the water to turn on and waving like an idiot at the paper towel dispenser to release more than 2 inches of towel at a time. BUT, BUT, as soon as you make even the slightest movement of your body or worse you dare reach for toilet paper…FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t even get me started when it happens as soon as you sit down!! I want to scream out “Nooooooooo! I haven’t done anything yet? Why the flush?!?!” And it is no light flush. It is a high-powered, whirlpool eruption that could lift even the largest of hineys off the toilet had the blasting sound of the auto-flush engine starting not prepared you to brace yourself. Hold on tight ladies, you are about to take a wild ride free of charge. What is it a freakin Hemi engine under the floor?!? Regardless, the bottom line is that I GET TO DECIDE WHEN I AM READY TO FLUSH! ME! I am a big girl and I’m using the big girl potty and I will let you know when I am done and then you can do your magic flushing thing. Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions if I am lucky enough to get up and get my drawers back on, I find myself throwing my body against the locked stall door in fear that the back splash will hit me. Classy.

So there you have it, my hatred and fear of the auto-flush. You won that round toilet, you won that round.