Can I be honest? I don’t really care how you are.

I am all about being polite, I mean, I wasn’t raised by wild animals, but can we all admit that there is a social understanding associated with the question “How are you?”  We say it to co-workers, we say it to strangers, and when you really think about it we say it more times a day then we realize.  I am confident that a majority of the population knows the standard response to said statement “Good”, “Fine”, “I’m ok”…All quick, acceptable answers.   This blissful interaction is what makes the world go round. 

I was at work the other day and came face to face with one of the members of the small percentage of the population however that do not understand the underlying truth behind this statement.  This is the type of person who actually answers the question truthfully.  You know you have found one of these rare members of society when their answer starts something like, “Well (sigh), to be honest (deep breath)…”  Fill in the blank with a positive/negative, issue, complaint, etc.  Bottom line is: WE DON’T REALLY CARE HOW YOU ACTUALLY ARE.  I have literally been mid-stride through the office cube farm throwing out my usual friendly “Hey Jane, How are you?” I am like a rapper making it rain in the club when it comes to smiles and niceties!  This is business as usual until you are stopped in your tracks because SOMEONE failed to follow protocol.   Now you have to turn around and entertain the conversation you never intended to start.  This is torture.  You had no concern behind your initial question and you probably did not have time to fit in a full blown conversation.  These are conversations that take place over the phone or in expensive over-priced coffee shops with people you like, not on your way into the elevator.  Most of the time we fake-like half our coworkers, tolerate the other half and maybe, just maybe, if we are lucky we find 1 or 2 people we work with that we would be generally concerned with how they feel, but those 2 would never tell you in passing because they are in tune with what that question means!!

So the next time this happens, stay calm, nod your head in fake concern and think about happy hour.  But most importantly, remember to NEVER ask that person how they are again.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!

Ok, it’s actually beginning to look a lot like laundry day at my house but that is the reason I have been skipping around singing ‘O Holy Night’ in my best Amy Grant voice impersonation and let me tell you it’s not pretty unless I have shower acoustics to help.  So, I was getting dressed for work this morning and as I slipped on my Santa Claus thong I came to a stunning realization…I have an unhealthy amount of Christmas underwear.  UNDER-ROOS.  BUNDERWEAR.  FANCY PANTS.  Whatever you call them, I have at least 75 pairs with a Christmas/Holiday/Winter theme going on and I am not going to lie, I love it!  Here is the bigger question though, why am I so drawn to Holiday underwear?  And why only that Holiday?  Could it be due to the fact that it is a rarity to see Labor Day or Easter underwear?  What, no Turkey themed underwear? Gooble, Gooble? A Sexy Pilgrim Pin-Up Girl? RIGHT, CAUSE THAT’S WEIRD!!!  But throw Turkey’s distant relative Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on there and I’ll take a package of 3 please.  Someone hit the marketing jackpot with Christmas themed underwear.  So much so that they even have it for men.  Usually men could care less about their undergarments as long as their hiney’s are covered.  I mean, Boyfriend wears boxers that are one quality step up from a brown paper bag  which is most likely due to the fact that they come in a pack of 25 and only cost $5.  But, wait, even MEN sport the Christmas drawers!  ”Jingle these Bells!”  Who doesn’t love that?  So as retail stores begin to prepare for the holiday and thoughts of sugar plums dance in children’s heads, know that my chunky butt is dancing around in Christmas themed bundies too. 

According to my calculations, it’s 88 days until Christmas and I have 75 pairs of Holiday underwear so, I have 2 choices:

1. Do 2 loads of needed laundry in the next 88 days or

2. Buy 13 more pairs of Christmas undies. 

I think we all know the answer to that.  Tis’ the Season!!!

Winesday

Good news.  I think I am actually starting to lose some weight despite the fact that I currently feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.  I am trying to stick to my beloved weight watchers diet but we all know I am a sucker for a glass of vino after a long day and hours in the car.  Lately my extended commute is due to the fact that the sun is too bright and the glare is bothering the drivers.  The glare.  REALLY?  Throw on some sunglasses and get moving people or we won’t get home in enough time to enjoy the little bit of sun that is left.  So I blame traffic for my lack of motivation to exercise at 8PM.  Back to the fat...so like I said, I think I may be getting thinner.  Maybe.  I am wearing a pair of pants today that don’t cause me constant pain while I am sitting at my desk, so that’s a good sign.  My most disgusting moment (maybe even the defining “AH-HA” moment as our girl Oprah says) when I knew I was headed to Chunky-town was when I had to regularly adjust my underwear every time I sat down so I could pull it up over my fat pouch. This little "social gut" as I used to lovingly refer to it in the past, used to be the product of happy hours, dinner dates and desserts we split for the whole table so we could satisfy our sweet tooth.  Now it is almost a mirror image of my ass but it grows out the front side of my body.  Seriously!  You know the objects that you can cut in half and each half is exactly the same as the other?  Well that is my belly and my butt.  I have a butt growing out of my abdomen.  Gross.  If I don’t start losing this weight faster, I am going to need to start make some wardrobe adjustments. 

So the theme earlier this week on Hoda and Kathie Lee’s 4^th hour of the Today Show was looking “Thinner by Dinner”.  Well you got me there ladies, let’s hear it.  How can I look thinner by dinner?  I have to say it takes very little for H & KL to hook me.  The 4^th hour of the Today Show is by far my favorite hour.  If I could somehow figure out how to Tivo only that hour and not torture myself AND the memory on my Tivo with the other 3 hours I would be one happy girl.  H & KL really bring joy to my life…I mean these 2 women make up reasons to drink at 10AM on a weekday!?! Stay at home Moms of the world rejoice!!!  As long as you have cable and NBC you are never drinking alone first thing in the morning!! I am extremely jealous you get to enjoy this 9-10AM joy every weekday.  So they are sipping their beverage of the day and teaching women like myself get thinner by dinner by wearing a better fitting wardrobe for our fat, I mean our figures.  I could not agree more with this theory.  Just because it comes in your size does not mean you should be wearing it.  I am a huge proponent of flattering your figure, which I try to do, I just might not be comfortable in said outfit unless I am standing for the next 8 hours since my pants are too tight to sit down in.  I have a few suit skirts that fit that category too.  And forget eating while in said tight pants.  That actually makes you just the opposite...Fatter by Dinner. One of their tips was to accent the skinnier parts of your body, like your wrists.  "Accent them with bangles" was their suggestion.  Ok, let me stop you there, I think someone had a little too much pinot grigio.  Putting bangles on your skinny wrists is not going to take the attention away from the spare tire you are hiding under your shirt.  Sum it up: wearing wrap dresses, layering and hiding your arm flab.  Check.  The only pickle that I am in is the fact that I don’t want to buy a bigger size so I am going to have to work with what I have in my closet.  A bigger size will simply give the green light to my body to keep on growing.  No thank you! 

So add it the agenda, I am going to start getting crafty with my upcoming winter wardrobe…and on my worst days, I will just drink my dinner.

Happy Winesday!

Countdown to Nowhere

I am about to boldly go where no one has gone before.  I am about to get real like Oprah.  I would like to tell the teacher community that they better shut their pie holes and quit complaining about how many days of school they have left to teach before the next summer vacation!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?  This is one of a handful of normal professions (I say "normal" because celebrities, professional sports players, homeless people and politicians do not count) that has what we in corporate America call an entire QUARTER off, almost 3 months.  Let’s do the math together Teach, a quarter is 3 months and there are 4 quarters in a year so by my calculations that means that teachers only do ¾ the work that normal professions do.  Hmmmm.  I do not want to be rude because yes, I KNOW, they are teaching the future of America but someone has got to seriously tell them to SHUT UP.  School has only been in session for less than 2 full weeks and they are already complaining? 

Let’s recap, they have been working full-time for 9 days and they feel the need to count down the dreadful days until their next massive 3 month vacation.  “175 more school days, Ugh”  NO!  You do not get to Ugh that.  Give me a “Another 60 hr work week and no vacation time accrued” and I will let you Ugh.  At most corporations individuals request for a week off at a time max…that’s 5 days in a row.  Look at my math skills at work again.  Most supervisors react to this type of request with that ever loving “Are you serious?” stare followed up with, “I guess you can work late before and after your vacation to make up the work since your sister HAS to get married in Green Bay, WI”.  I have a proposition for those teachers.  You know the famous take your child to work day?  Let’s take those teachers to corporate world for a day and see if after 8-10 grinding hours in a cubicle they still want to continue their precious countdown.

Guess what I am going to countdown?  The number of days until you teachers and students go back on vacation and stop ruining my commute!  Two can play at this game.

HEY BIG SPENDER!!!!

I am really turning over new leafs, I started a diet plan and one of these days I am going to join that new fabulous gym and start swimming.  Baby steps.  So as you already know I am living in a gorgeous home (my personal opinion) with the love of life, living the social dream of dining, chatting, happy houring with my best girls, my sister and her hubby, great couples and even a few rando family members thrown in there here and there.  Loving the life I live!!  Well this life is a lot more expensive than I thought it was.  I am by no means a frivolous spender, most of my stylish wardrobe stems from vintage Nordstrom rack (yes last season can be vintage if I want it to) and Couture Target…they have real designers now and sometimes I believe I got the very last and only sweater dress that was ever made, lay off me.  The point is, I clip coupons for groceries and I don’t spend money that I don’t have…until a HH or restaurant date comes along, then I go on what appears to be a food and beverage spending spree. I.HAD.NO.IDEA. I have gotten out of control!!

And I wonder why I am 30lbs overweight.

How did I come to this analysis? This epiphany?  This shocking truth?  Well, I am obsessed with balancing my checkbook so I honestly thought that I knew where all my money was going down to the very last penny.  A gal pal at work noticed and wanted to know why I wasn’t using any financial tools to help me.  I know, for many of you what I just said took us on a one way train to Nerdville, but it is actually in line with what I do at the job I hate so hear me out, I promise you will love this.  The site is http://www.mint.com/ and let me tell you after I had the initial anxiety induced panic attack I came to realize I am going to love this AND it is going to help me lose weight.  It’s like Momma just doubled-down in a game of Texas Hold’em!  Mint.com takes all your finances (banks, credit cards, loans, mortgage, etc.) and puts it into one very pretty system and then categorizes your spending.  It is 100% secure! Trust me, I would not share my information if I had not done the foot work to know that it is secured!  It is sponsored by big companies like AMEX/Discover/Cap One because they all offer services that can help dig you out of debt, consolidate or finance…but you don’t need to buy those services to use the website.  Ok nerd glasses off, back to why I love it.  So I import my bank, my car, my credit card.  Step 1 complete.  I review the Transactions log and make sure everything is categorized correctly.  Step 2 complete.  I go to review the stats from last month for trending and BOOM!  Fell out of my G.D. chair!  I spent $767 on Food and Beverage last month.  WTF!  WTF!  Seriously??  I mean I know it was the last month of summer and I was out of town like every weekend but SERIOUSLY?!?!?!  I AM A GORDO!  That is disgusting!  How did this happen?  Well I will break it down for you and you will see how easy it is to rack ‘em stack ‘em…$322 Restaurants, $122 Bars, $242 Groceries, $36 Fast Food, $34 Coffee and bringing up the rear $8.69 in “Other”.  Don’t ask, because I don’t know and literally my eyes are popping at the big numbers so I could care less about a measly $8.69.  So I set up budgets and threw in a few goals.  No more playing games, I am going to limit myself in each category to reasonable limits AND I am going to enable the text message alerts to tell me when I have almost reached my budget in said categories.

This sounds fantastic right?  It is, except for one little tinsy, winsy issue for September.  According to my new rules and budget limits I only have $20 left to spend at the grocery and $8 left to spend at restaurants!  I am going to starve and possible die of boredom on the weekends for the rest of the month!!  What is a Chunky Socialite to do?!?  $28 for 15 more days?  I can do it.  I know I can.  I can do this.

Fabulous body and plentiful bank account, YESSIR!!!…Look out folks, cause there is a new Sherriff in town.

Let's get Physical, physical....

I have just come to the absolute scariest realization of my life. Brace yourself because this is going to stun you as much as it stunned me…Boyfriend and I weigh the same amount!! I KNOW! Which means that if we were to both compete in a wrestling competition, we would most likely wrestle each other since we are in the same weight class. I am disgusted with myself. Boyfriend has always been a consistent gym rat and about 9 months ago he decided to get serious with his diet (please note he did not have a ton of weight to lose) and so I suggested WW. A diet so powerful all you need to say is the initials…that’s right…WW…Weight Watchers. In fact, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle. I know this because I have been to the meetings. And it works, it really works if you stick to your points. I got serious about 4 years ago, pre-Boyfriend and lost 25 lbs…well somehow those 25 pounds found me and brought 10 of their friends back with them. Boyfriend looks amazing and I look not so amazing. So I decided to get serious. Last Friday I hopped on my electronic talking scale and it immediately said “ONE AT A TIME PLEASE”. I knew at that moment that this weight loss journey was going to be a lot more difficult than I expected so I needed to make a plan.

First item on the agenda, cancel my gym membership. Hahaha. I know you are laughing and I have to laugh here too, I know it sounds ridiculous but what is even more ridiculous is the fact that I pay for this monthly membership and honestly cannot remember the last time I was there. I like to think of it as my way of ensuring the gym is suitable for all those avid gym goers like Boyfriend…they need money to pay those employees and my monthly membership fee helps this cause. I am a good Samaritan. Back to business, the problem with my gym is that it is about 20 minutes away from my house and not on the way home. I already spend most of my day commuting to my sucky job and since working out seems in itself a second sucky job, why would I want to endure that extra commute? I prefer to sit on the couch, drink a glass(es) of wine and watch fatter people lose weight on shows like the Biggest Loser. Ahhhh the comfort of my couch. See? My logic is wayyyyyyy off I know, but you do not get this size without knowing the exact number of minutes you have to get to the kitchen and back before the commercial break ends. So, we are canceling the gym membership to join once closer to my house. 5 minutes away to be exact. No more excuses. The icing on the cake…this new gym has a pool and I decided that I am going to swim away these pounds and if that doesn’t work then I hope moo-moo’s and leggings stay in fashion.

Second item on the agenda was to get rid of everything that I know I shouldn’t be eating and drinking in my new lifestyle. With that said, I apologize for not blogging the last few days, but it is very time consuming to drink every bottle of wine in the house, eat 2 tubs of French onion dip & chips, crab-stuffed shrimp and half a chocolate cake washed down with a few mimosas. It was a holiday weekend people, do not judge me. Everyone knows the cardinal rule of dieting is that you do not start a diet on the weekend and you most certainly do not every start it over the holidays. Besides, I could not let all that deliciousness go to waste. It was like the last supper for me, only it lasted approximately 3 days.

So here I am. Current weight = same as boyfriend’s. Current wardrobe = a weapon, since at any moment the button on every pair of pants I own could pop off, fly across the room and take someone out. Current issue = I am wearing a dress today and my thighs are rubbing together so bad that I have a Stage 4 rug burn and I am contemplating peeing in my pants to avoid the walk across the office to the bathroom.

Wish me luck and please warn the wine industry that their stock is about to drop. Game on thunder thighs.

Ready? NO! Set? NO! FLUSH!!

I am all about convenience…who isn’t these days? I enjoy a lovely drive-thru Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts or any Fast Food joint for that matter, Online shopping, Drive-thru Pharmacy, Dry-cleaning delivery, and even Take-Out Taxi! You essentially never have to get off your ass unless you need to use the restroom. Glorious. And the News tried to worry me about sky-rocketing childhood obesity. Why in the world would they think that? So while all these things make our lives lazier, I mean easier, I have a bone to pick with one invention that will never get my seal of approval.

I have a great hatred and admitted fear of automatic flushing toilets. Was there a huge issue with people not remembering to flush the toilet? I mean, doesn’t everyone these days have a toilet in their house that they flush after use? Just checking. My battle with the auto-toilet occurs on a daily basis. Auto soap dispenser? Genius. Auto faucet? Absolutely!! I mean, how would I turn on the faucet if I had soap on my hands? Auto Paper Towel dispenser? They have thought if it all…keep my hands as sanitary as possible post-wash. All of these things make my bathroom experience so much more enjoyable. Bravo Inventers!! Job well done. Here poses my dilemma…logically in a family of automated machines it only makes sense that you add the big boy auto-flusher to the pack. I understand people, but someone dropped the engineering ball when they invented the auto-flush. It was probably invented by the guy who hated his job and went out drinking every night only to find out one hung-over morning that he had to present his auto-flusher to the board! He clearly wasn’t ready so he threw it together and didn’t have time for the testing phase! I get it buddy and I feel your pain, but you skipped some crucial steps and could take a few pointers from your faucet, towel and soap buddies. Here we are dancing in front of the sensor to get the water to turn on and waving like an idiot at the paper towel dispenser to release more than 2 inches of towel at a time. BUT, BUT, as soon as you make even the slightest movement of your body or worse you dare reach for toilet paper…FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t even get me started when it happens as soon as you sit down!! I want to scream out “Nooooooooo! I haven’t done anything yet? Why the flush?!?!” And it is no light flush. It is a high-powered, whirlpool eruption that could lift even the largest of hineys off the toilet had the blasting sound of the auto-flush engine starting not prepared you to brace yourself. Hold on tight ladies, you are about to take a wild ride free of charge. What is it a freakin Hemi engine under the floor?!? Regardless, the bottom line is that I GET TO DECIDE WHEN I AM READY TO FLUSH! ME! I am a big girl and I’m using the big girl potty and I will let you know when I am done and then you can do your magic flushing thing. Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions if I am lucky enough to get up and get my drawers back on, I find myself throwing my body against the locked stall door in fear that the back splash will hit me. Classy.

So there you have it, my hatred and fear of the auto-flush. You won that round toilet, you won that round.

Come on Internet...don't fail me now!

Have you ever felt that you have gone where no one has ever gone before??? One would think that it is near impossible to find the end of the Internet, but I think that I may have done it.  I attend a number of meetings in my big girl life...meetings to plan meetings, meetings to discuss the meetings we planned and conference calls to follow up on these meetings.  It is a fascinating waste of time but nonetheless allows for ample time to browse the Internet in an attempt to look busy and not fall asleep from sheer boredom.  The curse that comes with this freedom to explore is that you eventually find that you have nothing more to search for.  I know.  I said it.  The end of the Internet.

Wikipedia?  Been there.  Facebook?  500 photo albums down and already looked at 25 of my friend's friends whom I do not even know but since they have not figured out their privacy settings...well you know the rest.  WebMD?  NO THANK YOU.  Unless I have the next 10 hours free to sit in the emergency room, I must stay clear of WebMD.  How is it that a simple selection of the symptoms of the every day head cold could also mean that your arm is about to fall off and you may have only hours to live?  Let's be clear here, I know it's not saying for sure that is what the diagnosis is...its just an option, but it could be true.  Just an option people.  Don't freak out.  You either have a common cold or the plague.  I literally had a head cold for almost 2 weeks and started to have what felt like either horrible indigestion...or a heart attack.  After some detailed WebMD research I determined it was indeed a heart attack (and the longest heart attack in history most likely since I believed I was having it for about 2 days and counting).  So I did what any normal heart attack victim would do...I went out to dinner with my main man.  I needed to have one last feast before I well...you know the prognosis.  So we are dining and I am explaining that I may not make it through the night and telling him that I wish we hadn't paid in advance for the group beach trip we are leaving on the next day, when Boyfriend tries to rationalize with me.  He eventually gives up and offers to take me to the hospital but I decline...I must rest in my own bed for my last night.  Well, this may come as a surprise but the next day, I woke up and headed to the Dr. only to find out that my cure was none other than Prilosec OTC.  No heart attack, false alarm.  I had heart burn from the post nasal drip.  Sick, I know but at least my ticker was in excellent shape. 

I guess I will retire my Internet medical license and leave it up to the professionals.