Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Ready? NO! Set? NO! FLUSH!!

I am all about convenience…who isn’t these days? I enjoy a lovely drive-thru Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts or any Fast Food joint for that matter, Online shopping, Drive-thru Pharmacy, Dry-cleaning delivery, and even Take-Out Taxi! You essentially never have to get off your ass unless you need to use the restroom. Glorious. And the News tried to worry me about sky-rocketing childhood obesity. Why in the world would they think that? So while all these things make our lives lazier, I mean easier, I have a bone to pick with one invention that will never get my seal of approval.

I have a great hatred and admitted fear of automatic flushing toilets. Was there a huge issue with people not remembering to flush the toilet? I mean, doesn’t everyone these days have a toilet in their house that they flush after use? Just checking. My battle with the auto-toilet occurs on a daily basis. Auto soap dispenser? Genius. Auto faucet? Absolutely!! I mean, how would I turn on the faucet if I had soap on my hands? Auto Paper Towel dispenser? They have thought if it all…keep my hands as sanitary as possible post-wash. All of these things make my bathroom experience so much more enjoyable. Bravo Inventers!! Job well done. Here poses my dilemma…logically in a family of automated machines it only makes sense that you add the big boy auto-flusher to the pack. I understand people, but someone dropped the engineering ball when they invented the auto-flush. It was probably invented by the guy who hated his job and went out drinking every night only to find out one hung-over morning that he had to present his auto-flusher to the board! He clearly wasn’t ready so he threw it together and didn’t have time for the testing phase! I get it buddy and I feel your pain, but you skipped some crucial steps and could take a few pointers from your faucet, towel and soap buddies. Here we are dancing in front of the sensor to get the water to turn on and waving like an idiot at the paper towel dispenser to release more than 2 inches of towel at a time. BUT, BUT, as soon as you make even the slightest movement of your body or worse you dare reach for toilet paper…FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t even get me started when it happens as soon as you sit down!! I want to scream out “Nooooooooo! I haven’t done anything yet? Why the flush?!?!” And it is no light flush. It is a high-powered, whirlpool eruption that could lift even the largest of hineys off the toilet had the blasting sound of the auto-flush engine starting not prepared you to brace yourself. Hold on tight ladies, you are about to take a wild ride free of charge. What is it a freakin Hemi engine under the floor?!? Regardless, the bottom line is that I GET TO DECIDE WHEN I AM READY TO FLUSH! ME! I am a big girl and I’m using the big girl potty and I will let you know when I am done and then you can do your magic flushing thing. Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions if I am lucky enough to get up and get my drawers back on, I find myself throwing my body against the locked stall door in fear that the back splash will hit me. Classy.

So there you have it, my hatred and fear of the auto-flush. You won that round toilet, you won that round.

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